


The Landmark Reunion

by milexandmore



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence - The Empty Hearse, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, M/M, Mention of torture, POV John Watson, Post-Reichenbach
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-29
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2019-02-23 14:03:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13191612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milexandmore/pseuds/milexandmore
Summary: What if John had reacted differently when Sherlock crashed his engagement dinner with Mary at the Landmark?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A big thank you to [SilentRaven97](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilentRaven97/pseuds/SilentRaven97) for the beta of this story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caption:  
> 'normal font' = John's thoughts  
> 'italic font' = Sherlock's voice that John is hallucinating
> 
> Hope it's clear enough ^^

Today is the day, John had decided. Today is the day, he will ask Mary Morstan to marry him. He had thought a hell of a lot about where he was to take her to ask her. A restaurant seems the most fitting place, well at least it is one of the basic ways to ask, not taking a lot of risks then. It’s perfect, he had thought. But the question of 'where?' had been troubling him for some time until, almost out of nowhere, he thought about The Landmark.

And that’s how he now finds himself there, sitting on a chair, waiting for Mary to come back from the loo. John has been quite nervous since they have entered the restaurant. ‘Why is she already in the loo?’ he thinks, they have just arrived in the restaurant for god’s sake. John thinks he had seen her taking a call before she went, but who was it? And how come this person is so important that she interrupts their date right at the beginning? But actually, that’s not why John is the most bothered, in fact it should be and the fact that it isn’t makes him even angrier.

The thing that is most bothering John right now is the fact that he can’t stop thinking of how close to Baker Street he actually is. It’s almost like it’s calling him, a sort of home calling, that’s rather stupid he thinks. But at the same time, it has been a long time since he has been this close to his  home, his former flat, except for an afternoon a couple of months ago. It had been when he had tried to say goodbye for the last time to Sherlock, tried to get rid of him, well tried to get rid of the hallucinations as Ella had advised him. ‘You need a proper goodbye, maybe that’s what you need to move on’ she had told him, so that’s what he had done, he had poured all of his heart out to his imaginary Sherlock sitting in his chair, thankful that Mrs Hudson hasn’t been home, he had told him how much he loved him, he had said goodbye, exactly how his therapist had said, but it didn’t work. The only positive thing from this visit, he would say, was that it had given him the opportunity to catch up with Mrs Hudson as he hadn’t seen her since he had moved out, one year and a half before, she had just caught him with his red eyes as he had been about to fly outside, and had forced him to have a bit of a chat and a cup of tea.

He has kept hallucinating Sherlock, it’s like he just can’t let him go, so after that, he has stopped seeing Ella, in fact he stopped seeing any therapist, he has just resigned himself to live with this imaginary Sherlock as it’s the best he can have. And he had told himself that maybe one day the hallucinations will stop on their own. He had thought that they would go away once he found someone who could almost make him forget Sherlock and move on. He thought he had found this person in Mary, but the fact that the hallucinations kept going on, didn’t sit really well with him. It’s been a couple of days, maybe two weeks at the very best that he hasn’t hallucinated Sherlock, well at least that he hasn’t actually seen him, the voice kept coming from time to time, but as he saw it, he was making progress with moving on from Sherlock, he decided he had to keep going and make progress with Mary, so that’s why he had decided to ask for her hand in marriage.

What is not helping at the moment with the moving on thing, is that he just remembered why he chose the Landmark. He and Sherlock had talked about this restaurant before, Sherlock had told him that he had been once and had really appreciated it and considering the man and his relationship to food, it must really be worth it, John had thought. He had also promised himself that day to bring Sherlock to dinner there, maybe after a case, or maybe on a quiet day.  
And that's where he would have asked him to marry him, of course, once they would have talked about their feelings in the safety of their home, once he had admitted to the consulting detective that he was in love with him. He could have chosen Angelo’s but he thinks that maybe Sherlock would have deserved something better as an engagement date. And this is a very posh restaurant and in a way that reminds him of Sherlock, he always had seemed a bit posh to John.

'No! This is not the moment to think of Sherlock, concentrate John, drink something.' He takes a sip from his glass: 'What is that?' He almost shouts to himself. ' _Water? Really John? You’re supposed to ask a woman to marry you and all you have ordered is red wine and water, it is celebration time, for god’s sake, champagne will be more appropriate don’t you think?_ ' A voice in his head told him.

“Yeah right fine!” John whispered to himself taking the champagne list to have a look.

'Well, what screams do you want to marry me on this list?' John thinks hard, looking at the list.

“Can I help you with anything sir?” suddenly says a waiter with a French accent.

'Thank god!' thinks John, someone to help. “Eh yeah, I’m looking for a bottle of champagne, a good one!”

“Oh, these are all excellent vintages!” ‘That’s not helpful’ thinks John.

“Eh that’s not really my area, what would you suggest?”

“You can’t possibly go wrong but maybe you would like my personal recommendation?”

“Mmmh mmmh”

“This last one on the list is a favourite of mine! You might, in fact, say it’s like a face from the past.”

“Great. I’ll have that one please.” says John not even caring what he has just ordered. He thinks his mind is playing a trick on him again as it feels like the image of this waiter is blurring with some ofSherlock’straits, like his curls… ‘God I need to think about something else.’ he thinks, draining his glass of wine. A face from the past eh sounds familiar...

“It is familiar but with the quality of surprise!”

“Well, surprise me.” says John giving back the list to the waiter.

“I’m certainly endeavouring to sir.”

God, now it’s like the waiter is talking with Sherlock's voice but with the French accent. The hallucinations are coming back...

No, he will not go down that road again, he needs to remind himself why he is here. He wanted to ask someone to marry him, yes that’s it. He checks if the ring is still in his pocket. Yes, that’s good. He tries to remember some techniques Ella had taught him to deal with the hallucinations and come back to a sense of reality. He needs to do some simple task to help him determine what’s real and what’s not. Maybe checking the ring in the box might help.  
John looks at the ring box in his hand, it’s not how he imagined it moments ago when he was thinking about proposing to Sherlock, and the inside definitely brings him back to reality as this is not a man's ring but a woman’s and he is not about to ask Sherlock to marry him simply because the man had decided to take his own life in front of John's eyes 2 years ago.  
John can feel his eyes welling up, he shuts back the ring box and puts it in the middle of the table as if to say ‘no thanks’. The fact that he is thinking of Sherlock and imagining how he would smile if he would ask him to marry him is very wrong when he is supposed to think of his future wife. He’s trying the breathing technique that Ella taught him to refocus, but he can feel it isn’t really working.

Suddenly he hears her “Sorry that took so long.” she says putting her hand on his shoulder when passing by his side.

God stop it, he quickly thinks of the ring on the table and put it back in his pocket while trying to put a smile that he hopes seems sincere on his face.

“You okay?” Okay, it seems the smile was not sincere enough then.

“Yeah, yeah. Me? Fine. I am fine...” His usual sentence he has been repeating for 2 years now when people ask if is ok or how he is, it’s almost automatic and if he tries very hard he almost believes it, but then usually the hallucinations come back to remind him that is not really the case. That made him smile and chuckle at the misery his life had become.

“Well, what did you want to ask me then?”

Oh god yes, that’s why they are here, he can’t exactly go back now, and anyway it won’t exactly be moving on if he doesn’t do it.

“More wine?” he asks more to himself than to her because he definitely needs more for what he is about to do.

But she replies too quickly: “No I’m good with water thanks.”

“Right.” Time to be brave then, it’s a good thing, it’s moving on, that’s good.

“So?”

‘God, why is she so impatient? I need time, for god sake, I can’t just say it like that, I need to make a little speech before, yeah a speech is good.’

“Uh.. so, Mary.” God, he almost said Sherlock, ‘concentrate Watson’. “Listen, uhm… I know it hasn’t been long...” ' _Yeah a couple of months is definitely what you can’t call long John_ ', goes Sherlock voice in his head. “And I know we haven’t known each other for a long time.” ' _Not like us John…_ ' ‘Stop it!’ he tells the voice in his head.

“Go on!” she tells him almost like an order, and dear god how this woman is impatient.

“Yes I will.” he replies. ‘If you give me a minute’ he thinks to himself. ‘Better be sincere then, I can’t really trick her with this.’ “As you know this last couple of years haven’t been easy for me...” ' _Come on John, it’s been only 2 years not a couple of years, are you trying to achieve a dramatic effect?_ ' says Sherlock in his head. ‘Shut up!’ he replies in his head.

“And meeting you… yeah, meeting you has been the best thing that possibly could’ve happened” ' _Really?_ ' Asks his hallucination and almost at the same time she answers:

“I agree!”

“What?”

“I agree, I am the best thing that could have happened to you.” ‘Well, that sounds like something Sherlock would say’ he chuckles to himself.

“Sorry...” ' _Not good?_ ' He almost hears Sherlock say.

“Well, no, it’s um… so...” ‘I should ask her now, yeah I should definitely ask her, remember moving on.’ “If you’ll have me, Mary, could you see your way um...” ' _God, John that’s pathetic_ ' says Sherlock and he hears Mary chuckling, but he has to agree with them. He clears his throat ready to formulate his thought a little more comprehensively, he has never been good with this… Where was he now? Oh yeah “If you could see your way to...”

“Sir, I think you’ll find this vintage exceptionally to your liking. It has all the quality of the old with some of the colour of the new.”

‘Oh god, why now?’ He almost said it, almost made the big step to move on.

“No, sorry, not now, please.” he says.

“Like a gaze from a cloud of strangers, suddenly one is aware one is staring into the face of an old friend.” ‘God what is he saying now, why is he sounding more and more like Sherlock, and why is he taking off his glasses now…’

“No, look, seriously, could you just...” ‘Oh god!’ he gulps… The hallucination is back and it feels even more real than any he ever had, this is bad, this is really bad.

“Interesting thing, a tuxedo. Lends distinction to friends and anonymity to waiters.” ‘God, what is he saying, why does it feels like it’s not in my head? I know, check to see if Mary is seeing or hearing the same thing, it worked before to prove it was just in my head. But judging by her reaction… something is wrong… no, it can’t be possible…’ he suddenly can’t sit still.

“John?” Mary asks.

He can sense the panic and the anger flowing in his entire body, he can’t look at him. ‘Don’t look at him, he is not real…’

“John, what is it? What?”

“Well, short version, not dead.” says Sherlock “Bit mean springing it on you like that, I know. Could have given you a heart attack, probably still will. But in my defence, it was very funny.”

‘Funny? How could he find this funny?’

“Okay, it’s not a great defence.” ‘No it’s definitely not.’

“Oh no, you’re...”Mary says catching up.

“Oh yes.”

“Oh my god!”

“Not quite.”

“You died, you jumped off a roof.” ‘Yes, he did.’

“No.” ‘Yes I saw you, you bastard.’

“You’re dead.” ‘Yes…’

“No, I’m quite sure, I checked. Excuse me.” he says taking a napkin wetting it a bit and rubbing off his fake moustache. “So, does yours rub off too?”

“Oh my god! Oh my god! Do you have any idea what you’ve done!” says Mary but suddenly her panic became just a voice in the background. Because now the panic had disappeared for John, and what is left is an incredible anger and almost hatred towards this man he had loved like nobody else before. And it seems like Sherlock can feel his anger because he thinks he can see a sense of panic invading Sherlock, and he is almost happy for it.

“Okay, John, I’m suddenly realising I probably owe you some sort of apology.”

‘Oh, you are only getting that now?’ And suddenly it’s too much, John punches the table in order to avoid hitting the man in front of him.

“All right, just, John, just keep…” Mary is trying to calm him as if it was going to work.

“Two years… Two years… mmmh?” he says feeling the anger rising, with another feeling that he can’t quite identify yet. “I thought, mmh… I thought... you were dead! Mmmh? Now, you let me grieve. Mmmh? How could you do that? How?”

“Wait, before you do anything you might regret. One question, let me just ask one question. Are you really gonna keep that?” asks Sherlock showing his moustache and laughing.

‘Is he bloody serious now?’ He even hears Mary chuckle a bit surely surprised by his nerve, but that’s enough. He is going to strangle this man. Now.

He is falling and pushing the man to the floor, trying to strangle him. He feels people trying to pull him off of Sherlock. But now that he is on top of the man, that he had his hands on him, the reality of it all falls on him and he finally can identify what was the other thing he was feeling, it was relief. He can feel his anger slowly dissipating, as his fists are loosening their grips on Sherlock shirt and neck because now he doesn’t want to hurt him anymore, he just wants to touch him and feel him here with him for real. And suddenly he is crying into Sherlock’s chest.

“I thought...”

“I know, John, I’m sorry, but I had my reasons for what I have done and I will be ready to explain them to you as soon as you feel ready, I promise...”

“Maybe later...”

“Yeah… in your own time, John.”

“Sherlock...”

“Yes?”

“I think we have forgotten for a bit where we are...”

“No, I haven’t, we are currently lying down in the middle of a posh restaurant..”

“And people are currently watching us… mmmh?”

“Does it mean it is a bit not good?”

“I think we can say that yes...” John chuckles and Sherlock smiles “Maybe we can go somewhere else more private?”

“Baker Street?”

“Please...”

“Although I need to inform Mrs Hudson that I am still alive first...”

“You didn’t tell her?”

“John, I wanted you to be the first to know, I just got back...”

“From the dead?” John raises his eyebrows.

“Don’t be stupid! No, from Serbia in fact.”

“Serbia?”

“Long story...”

“Later?”

“Later.”

“Gentlemen, I must ask you to leave our restaurant, as you have caused a disturbance to our fellow members.” a man suddenly says coming to them.

“Yes, sorry, we apologise for the disturbance, we are leaving now.” says John getting up. “Come on now Sherlock, get up.”

“I’m afraid I can’t John.” says Sherlock, with his eyes glistening.

“What do you mean you can’t?”

“I...”

“Oh my god, he is bleeding.” says one woman next to Sherlock.

“Yeah about that...I should maybe mention...” says Sherlock.

John is starting to check Sherlock for injury.

“I’m afraid, we might have to stop in a hospital before heading home, John.”

“You! Call an ambulance now!” John shouts at one man with his phone in his hand.

“I’m alright John.” says Sherlock slowly going pale and losing consciousness in John's arms.

“Sherlock, what are these...” John then takes a look at Sherlock face “You clearly not alright you idiot! You better stay with me now! Ok?! The ambulance is on its way, and we are going to fix these injuries whatever they are and wherever they came from!”

An ambulance arrives within a few seconds, doctors and nurses rushing to Sherlock who is now unconscious in John’s arms. But there are also men in black with them…

“I didn’t even call yet...” says the man with the phone “how is that possible?”

“Mycroft.” mutters John. But for once he is glad that the man can anticipate anything.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like the story, and as always don't forget to leave a kudo or a comment if you enjoyed it :)

The doctors and the nurses are rushing Sherlock in the back of the ambulance when John hears Mary ask, behind him. God, he almost forgot that she was there. 

“John?”

“I’m sorry Mary but I have to go with him...”

“Sure… Just… What you were about to ask? Is it still… do you still want that?”

“I don’t know, Mary, I’m sorry… Listen, I need to go now, but I will call you… I...”

“No, it’s ok, go… We’ll talk later, yeah?”

“Yeah… I’m sorry...” 

 

John gets in the back of the ambulance without any trouble, they don’t even ask if he is family, but then he sees who the man sitting in the front is, and he probably has to do something with it.

“Doctor Watson, I see that the reunion went not really smoothly.”

“Mycroft, you brother is lying there unconscious, and you want to joke about it?”

“I’m not joking about it, I am simply observing that once again I was right.”

“What do you mean you were right?”

“I did try to warn him that maybe it will be possible that he won’t be welcome, and that you won’t be glad that he came back.”

“If that’s what you think then you’re wrong!” 

“Evidence proves otherwise, Doctor Watson.” he says taking a look at his brother.

“Yeah, I wasn’t glad at first, that he lied to me… but now I am relieved that he is back and worried...”

“Oh do not worry, a few stitches and he’ll be back to the annoying idiot he is.”

“How can you be sure?”

“Because that’s what the doctors said, he just went out of the hospital, his stitches were absolutely not healed, but he wanted to see you, so I authorised him to get out for a couples of hours, even though as you see I had predicted this result, but that was a risk he was willing to take...” 

“What stitches, what happened to him in Serbia?”

“Oh! So he had the time to tell you about Serbia...” says Mycroft suddenly a bit tense. 

“He just told me that he just came back from Serbia, and that I was the first to know he was still alive. Well after you obviously...” 

“Well, I never actually thought him dead for a start.”

“What? You mean that all those years you knew he was alive?” 

“Of course.”

“And you didn’t tell me anything!”

“Well that was for your own security Doctor Watson, I assure you.”

“Oh and I’m sure that my security is so important to you.”

“No, well your security is not more important than any other British citizen for me, however, I can’t say the same for him.” he says again looking at his brother “He would have killed me if I had in any way put you in harm’s way.”

“That’s why you took your distance and didn’t talk to me for 2 years.”

“That’s one of the reason yes, easier to not say anything than to lie all the time.”

“Does somebody else know?”

“I’m not sure I can share this information.”

“Let me try again then, who else knew?”

“Miss Hooper, and some of what he calls his ‘homeless network’.”

“Molly? Molly knew? And some homeless freaks were allowed to know but not me?” 

“Yes, Miss Hooper wasn’t in immediate danger so she was able to help with the trick and who cares about what homeless people know? Nobody would trust them if they decide to talk anyway.”

“You keep talking about danger, but what danger exactly?” 

“Danger of death Doctor Watson. You see, Sherlock was not alone on this roof, he confronted Moriarty, whose plan was to make Sherlock either kill himself or see his closest friends die, he had snipers on you, Detective Inspector Lestrade, and Mrs Hudson.”

“Oh my god...”

“As long as Moriarty was alive he had an exit door, but the man decided to not give him a choice and shot himself in the head.” 

“So he is dead, right? He didn’t disappear as we heard on the TV.”

“No, he is dead.”

“And Sherlock jumped from the roof to protect us...”

“Yes, and I did convince him of having a plan B in order not to kill himself if Moriarty did not give him a choice.”

“So if he is alive, it’s thanks to you.”

“Well not exactly because after that he went in a sort of suicide mission to dismantle Moriarty’s network all around the world in order to remove any threat to you. And I, myself do not know how he survived that, we tried to send him agents to work with him and help him and they all ended up dead.”

“That’s how he got those injuries on his back.”

“Yes, the last mission did not really go smoothly at all to say the least, he was captured and tortured for a couple of weeks, then he tried to escape and contact me to send help, as the last part was bigger than he expected, but they retraced his phone call and captured him again. They tortured him a bit more harshly to punish him for his escape until I was able to get him out.”

“Tortured...” John went pale, he saw victims of torture during the war, his comrades, and what he remembered is how different they were after that…

 

They arrive at the hospital and quickly rush Sherlock to the A&E to stitch his injuries up again while John waits with Mycroft outside the operation room.

“Thank you” John suddenly said with tears in his eyes.

“What for?”

“For bringing him back to me… I wish… I wish I could have known so I could have helped instead of staying here helpless trying to move on...”

“That’s exactly why he didn’t want to tell you because he knew that you would have come to his rescue or tried to help him, and he also knew what happened to those who did exactly that…”

“They died.”

“Exactly, he didn’t want you there to die for him or with him, he wanted you safe in London. What he didn’t anticipate and honestly neither did I, was how affected you would be by his death.”

“He was my best friend, of course, I will be affected by his death” yelled John in the waiting room, people turning to look at him “Honestly, you are the stupidest men I have ever known when it comes to sentiments, and caring.”

“Caring is not an advantage!”

“That’s what you think.”

“And that’s what you and my brother proved to me the last 2 years, honestly I never seen men more destroyed by their emotions than you two then, well at least my brother had the work to not lose his head otherwise I don’t know what he would have become, and you, look at you John you were barely alive these last 2 years, you were about to ask a woman to marry you just to prove to yourself that you could move on.”

“Maybe but if you look at it from another angle, your brother would have probably killed himself for real on that roof if he didn’t care for us and our security.”

“My brother would never have been on that roof in the first place if he didn’t care for you.”

“So you are blaming me for what happened?”

“Partly...”

“For god sake stop bickering about it, John has nothing to do with it Mycroft.” says Sherlock in his rolling chair pushed by a nurse.

“Sherlock….” says John with a bit of relief in his voice.

“If you are thinking about the reason why you came back unconscious in an ambulance, and not by your free will by that door as we agreed, then John has everything to do with it.”

“It doesn’t matter, they didn’t do the stitches properly the first time anyway, this gave them a second chance to do them better, but I have the feeling you were talking about something else...”

“We were...” says John looking at the floor with sadness in his eyes.

“We were discussing why you had to fake your death and pretend to be dead for 2 years brother mine.”

“And you are blaming John?!” says Sherlock in his angry voice.

“Well if you didn’t care for him like you do...”

“No stop it Mycroft! I will never let you say that! John is the reason why I am still alive today and I didn’t die during what you like to call this ‘suicide mission’, he is what kept me going on as you were wondering why I did not die. And for the faking my death part, there is no one else to blame than Moriarty and you know that!”

“How can he be the reason that kept you alive when he wasn’t even there with you?” Mycroft raises his eyebrows as if to prove a point.

“That’s what you will never understand Mycroft, John may not have been there physically with me, but he was always with me in here.” he says showing his head.

“In what? Your so-called mind palace?”

“Sort of, but what really kept me going on was the fact that I promised myself to come back to him because I needed to tell him something.”

“What?”

“Something only John needs to hear, and not you with your gigantic ears, now if you can leave us alone, I believe you might have other business to do, you know like starting wars and all that.”

“That’s how you're thanking me for getting you out?”

“For the last time, I have nothing to thank you for, as all you did was watching me get beaten until I found my way out.”

“What?” says John horrified, “You told me that you got him out.”

“I did but before I could, I needed to go undercover Doctor Watson, and you both know how I dislike legwork. Now I will leave you two to catch up, make sure he does not escape Doctor Watson please.”


	3. Chapter 3

“Oh my god, Sherlock, I’m sorry for what happened to you, I wish I could have been there to get you out.”

“And I’m certainly glad you weren’t. I wouldn’t have wanted you to see me like that, only Mycroft can enjoy it.”

“Now what did you want to tell me, what was so important to you?”

“I’m not sure you want to hear it now, John...”

“What? Why?”

“I think I did not correctly anticipate my return, I did not anticipate that our reunion would go like that.”

“I’m sorry, Sherlock… For what I did… Especially now that I know what happened to you...”

“It’s not your fault John, and I forgive you, and… I’m sorry”

“Sorry? For what?”

“For coming back...”

“What?”

“I should have let you live your life, I’m sorry I was so selfish, you were obviously going to have all that you wanted, a wife, a nice wedding, a house in the suburbs, kids, maybe a dog. You chose her well, she seems nice, and I suppose she is quite beautiful. God how stupid I was...” says Sherlock putting his head in his hand.

“Sherlock, what are you saying?”

“Oh John, whatever happened to me did not alter my faculty of observation and deduction, even though hope did alter my faculty of prevision. But I know that you were going to ask her to marry you, and that’s fine, absolutely fine, I’m so sorry I messed it up, but I’m sure that if you go and call her now she will eventually forgive you. You can go, I’ll be fine, I’m probably going to need to sleep anyway...”

“No!”

“What?” says Sherlock surprised by the tone of John’s voice.

“No, I won’t call her now to apologise, and no I will not ask her to marry me again...”

“Why? Is it because of me...”

“I will apologise but later, not now because I don’t want to be with her now, I want to be with you. And I will not ask her to marry me again because I wasn’t even sure I wanted to ask her the first time.”

“Why not? She is all you ever wanted...”

“No, she is what I thought I want, what society made me want, the simple life in the suburbs with a wife and kids, but now that I see you, I know that’s not what I want.”

“No? What do you want then?”

“I’m not entirely sure yet for the future, but for now I just want to be here with you.”

“John...”

“No don’t say anything, you were right, you probably need to sleep, let me push you to your bedroom and help you to bed.”

Sherlock was now lying down in his hospital bed, with John sitting in a plastic chair next to him.

“You know what? That wasn’t a really good idea, I’m not even sleepy...” says Sherlock.

“I don’t care, Sherlock, you need to rest at least to heal.”

“So am I supposed to lie down, doing nothing until I’m healed?”

“Exactly.”

“But John...”

“What?”

“I’m already bored!”

“You have been lying down for not even 2 minutes Sherlock!”

“So?”

“Nothing, just what do you want to do?”

“I don’t know...”

They spend some minutes in silence until John breaks it.

“Sherlock, can I ask you something?”

“Sure, but please don’t be boring!”

“Yeah, I’ll try to...” John chuckles “Listen,… when you say you were stupid, that hope altered you faculty of prevision and that you didn’t imagine your return to be like that, what did you mean?”

“Again I’m not sure you want to hear this now...”

“Can I maybe decide for myself?”

Sherlock looks attentively at John.

“Please, Sherlock… I would like to know...”

“Ok… But please do not hate me after I am finished...”

“Why would I hate you?” but Sherlock looks at him with a strange look in his eyes and he just says “Ok...”

“First I expected to find you at Baker Street, I didn’t think you would have moved out… I thought you liked this place... I know stupid...”

“Sherlock I move out approximately 6 months after your death, I couldn’t bear to live in Baker Street without you, I was seeing you everywhere, everything was reminding me of you, I couldn’t even make a cup of tea without crying, for god sake… And when I called Harry in the middle of the night, to say goodbye to her because… I wanted… I wanted to… die… She told me that I had to move out, so she packed me a suitcase and help me find a flat in a completely different area of London… I think Mycroft helped financially because I don’t know how I was able to pay the rent, but Harry told me she and Clara, were taking care of everything, and that I just needed to get back on my feet for now...”

“John… I’m so so sorry...” says Sherlock almost crying “I didn’t know...”

“I know, and I also know that on your side it wasn’t la vie en rose either.”

“You speak French now?”

“Don’t get your hopes up. This is the only expression that I remember from my French class at school and that I actually know how to use. Don’t expect any more from me.” John chuckles.

“I wasn't expecting this anyway...” says Sherlock smiling.

“What did you expect then?”

“I… please don’t hate me but I had thought… maybe because dehydration or malnourishment or something else made me delirious but...”

“What did you thought, Sherlock?”

“I thought you would have in a way waited for me and didn’t try to move on with your life.”

“Sherlock, how was I supposed to be waiting for you when I thought you were dead? How? You do know that people don’t expect the dead to come back to life certainly not after 2 years...”

“Another thing I didn’t anticipate...”

“What?”

“That it would take me that long...”

“What else? What did you want to tell me? How did you think I would react to your return?”

“I thought you would be glad that I came back…. I was wrong….”

“No!… You’re right, I’m glad you came back, I’m relieved to be honest, even if I was angry at you at first but not for coming back...”

“You weren’t angry because I decided to come back in the middle of your engagement dinner?… And by the way, I swear I didn’t know before...”

“No it’s ok, I’m not even angry for that as you probably saved me from a wedding I didn’t want and which probably would have ended up in a messy divorce. No, I was angry because you lied to me even if I understand now that you had my best interest at heart. But I’m definitely glad you came back I promise.”

“So I wasn’t wrong on everything?”

“No you weren’t, now what did you want to tell me?”

“I don’t know if I can say it now?”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m not sure you want to hear it, and I’m definitely not sure of your reaction and I’m a bit in a vulnerable position right now...”

“What if I promise not to be angry? And there is something I want to tell you, something I want to vow, which is that tonight was the first and the last time that I physically assaulted you, I want to deeply apologise for it.”

“It’s ok John, I forgive you.”

“It’s not ok Sherlock, it’s never ok when somebody assaults you in any way but I am glad you are ready to forgive me. Are you ready to tell me now or not?”

“I… maybe later...”

“Later it is then, try to get some sleep now, I promise I’ll still be here when you wake up.”  
  



	4. Chapter 4

After a while, Sherlock falls asleep and John watches him contently, not quite believing his luck to be able to have this wonderful man back in his life. John is not really the best religious man but in this moment, he wants to thank god for this because if he knows what the definition of a miracle is, then this is truly one.

But after a few minutes, the peaceful face of the curly hair man turns to anguish, John looks attentively at him. Suddenly Sherlock who was lying on his back starts to move from one side to another swinging through the air with his arms, and John immediately recognises these signs, he knows them quite well and knows that they mean horrible nightmares.  
  
Sherlock starts to yell first in English, things like “Please stop! No!” and then in another language that John assumes might be Serbian. He doesn’t really know what to do as the last thing he wants is to make Sherlock panic, even more, he may not have been there to save him from what causes them, but he is here now to save him from the memories.

He starts to talk in a soothing voice to him: “Sherlock, it’s me, John, can you hear me?”

Sherlock yells even more back to English “John! Go away, you’re supposed to be safe! You’re not supposed to be here!”

“I am safe, Sherlock, as are you now, I’m here, just breathe, I’m here.” he says slowly approaching Sherlock.

Sherlock continues swinging but with less force.

“Sherlock, calm down, you’re safe now, you’re in London with me, you’re safe I promise...” John says tears threatening to spill.

“London?” Sherlock asks, stopping the swinging.

“Yes London, we are together now, you’re safe...” John enjoys this little moment of stillness from Sherlock to approach him slowly and caress his arms in a soothing motion.

“John...” Sherlock says slowly.

“Yes that’s me, you can open your eyes now Sherlock, I’m here...”

Sherlock opens his eyes and tears falls down from them. John can’t bear this sight and takes him in his arms, trying to calm him and reassuring him.

“Shhh, Sherlock, it’s alright now, I’m here, you’re safe.”

And the only thing Sherlock can do between hiccups caused by the tears is muttering John’s name.

After a while when both of their tears have stopped falling, and John is lying in Sherlock’s hospital bed, with curly hair tickling his neck, Sherlock speaks again, remembering suddenly the conversation they had before he fell asleep “John?”

“Yes, Sherlock?”

“Do you remember our conversation before you forced me to sleep?”

John actually chuckles at the way Sherlock always has to put things in a dramatic way. “Yeah...”

“What’s funny?” Sherlock asks when he feels John’s chuckle causes vibrations in his chest where his head currently lays.

“Nothing, just… I missed you!”

“I missed you too John!” says Sherlock looking up at him. “And I think I’m ready now...”

“You’re sure? We have time you know, don’t want to pressure you...”

“I’m sure, just promise me something...”

“Anything Sherlock.” says John looking at Sherlock verdigris eyes, and he thinks he can see the fear in them.

“Promise me that whatever I’m going to tell you, you won’t leave me alone, that you'll still be my friend… Please…” Sherlock says with a look so vulnerable that John thinks he might cry again.

“I promise Sherlock, that whatever happens, I’ll always be there for you! Even if you push me away, trying to keep me safe!”

“John… when I was…” he looks down “...away… I realised something...I… discovered what my… feelings” he spits trying to pretend he was still offended by the word itself, Mycroft’s doing probably, thinks John. “I… I don’t know how to explain it John….”

“Maybe don’t try to explain, just say it and if I need explanations, I’ll ask questions later, you’re usually good when it comes to answering questions from an idiot like me.”

“You’re not an idiot, John!…” but John gives him a surprised look and he corrects “Well, you’re not a simple average idiot that is...you’re my idiot...”

“I know… Now tell me what it was you discovered during your exile.”

“Exile...” Sherlock chuckles “You always were the romantic, trying to make me seem like I’m some sort of poet going into exile or I don’t know...”

“Sherlock, stop mocking me and tell me what it is?” says John, knowing that it's Sherlock's way to still avoid the subject.

“John...” Sherlock seems serious again, but hesitating and the fear in his eyes is back, even if he is casting them down, John can see it.

“Sherlock, look at me.” says John putting a finger underneath Sherlock’s chin to make him look up. “I promise I’m not going anywhere, ok?”

“What about the woman?”

“Irene Adler? What about her?”

“No! Idiot, the woman you were going to ask to marry you!”

“Oh! Oh… Well, I don’t think I want to pursue our relationship anymore...” and it's John’s turn to look away now.

“Why not?”

“Because you’ll probably drive her away like my other girlfriends anyway...”

“Not if you don’t want me to.” says Sherlock getting up and distancing himself a bit.  
  
“Where are you going?”

“Nowhere, I just realised that I was invading your personal space a bit and that maybe I am unwelcome considering that you’re in a serious relationship with someone else.”

“What are you talking about now? If I didn’t want you here, I wouldn’t let you close in the first place, you idiot, and I’m not in a serious relationship!”

“Excuse me for doubting this, but you were about to ask for her hand, it seems pretty serious to me...”

“What are you on about? And what does it matter to you anyway? It’s not like we can’t see each other if I marry her...”

“So you do want to marry her then?”

“No! Well, I don’t know...”

“In this case, I don’t think I’m ready… not until you know for sure...”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want to suffer for nothing… If you love her and you want to marry her then go on… But I don’t think you’d need to hear what I have to say in this case.”  
  
“Why not?”

“Fucking because!” says Sherlock angry.

A moment passes, John gets up from the bed, and even though Sherlock still seems angry, he also looks hurt, and John can’t stand it. He doesn’t want to hurt him anymore, he can see it in his face, in his eyes, in his demeanour, in everything that he is already a broken man, and that he had endured far worse than just the absence of his best friend by his side, during this two years. He walks to the end of the bed. And the angry facade of Sherlock seems to deteriorate with every step it takes being replaced by sadness, and then it occurs to him that Sherlock probably thinks he is leaving, what he promised not to do just a few minutes ago, and Sherlock hasn’t even told him the big thing he wants to say yet. He stops and looks directly into Sherlock's eyes, and he can see him brace himself for whatever thing John is going to say.

“And if I told you that I don’t want to marry her, that I don’t even want to be in a relationship with her, that if someone told me that I won’t be able to see her again if I choose to stay here with you, by your side, I wouldn’t care less and choose you anyway, would you believe me?”

“Would you?”

“What?”

“Choose me over her?”

“Actually, I think I will choose to spend more time with you over anything, I was so devastated when I saw you jump. I was so broken, to think that I could have helped, that I could have seen how you were feeling so down that you wanted to take your own life, and that I didn’t. Now, that life is giving me a second chance to be by your side again, to have my best friend again, I would give anything it takes, not to have this second chance taken away from me, Sherlock.”

“So in fact…” Sherlock takes a pause a bit dumbfounded “I’m your best friend?”

“Of course! Of course, you’re my best friend Sherlock! Now, do you want to tell me or not?”

“I… I realised that... for me you’re more than my best friend...”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… I realised a bit too late or a bit inconveniently maybe that I was actually in love with you John...”

“You love me?”

“I do, I know that it is inconvenient as you’re not gay, but I needed to say it… I was somehow hoping to come back to you and tell you that, and maybe by some kind of miracle actually having my love be welcomed… I didn’t really think you will return the feelings, but that you will at least accept that I love you. I imagined many ways of how I would possibly tell you, and to be honest, the hardest the thing I was about to face, the hardest I wanted to believe, that the feelings would be reciprocated… I’m sorry...”

“Why are you sorry, Sherlock?” John says tears in his eyes.

“Because I used that thought, that ridiculous thought to keep myself alive… Even though I know that it’ll never be real… But that’s all that I had left… Hope...hope that someone like you can love someone like me a bit...”

“Sherlock, listen to me, if that thought is what kept you alive, it’s not ridiculous at all! Do you hear me! And I’m sorry too...”

“John...”

“No let me finish, I’m sorry that all you had left there, was hope when it should have been certitude that you will come back to me sitting in my chair in Baker Street. Welcoming you with a cup of tea just the way you like it, with some ginger nuts because I know how you love them, and… knowing that you will be loved by me… Because I fucking love you too Sherlock!”

“But… you said...”

“I know what I said and I know that it was part self-preservation, part of my rubbish education from my homophobic dad, and partly because I’m not actually gay but bisexual.”

“There’s always something!” Sherlock says with a knowing smile, remembering their first case when he had deduced that John had a brother instead of a sister. And John smiles too.

“Don’t worry, it is rather rare that you’re wrong.”

“Except when it comes to you, my sentiments always get in the way of my deductions...”

“It’s fine, you don’t have to deduce me, you just have to ask and I promise from now on I’ll be honest. No more secrets, no more misunderstandings, just communication and love, deal?”

“Deal! Now if I’m honest, I would really like to feel your lips against mine, to see if I was also wrong with my deductions there?”

“Your deductions mmh?”

“Well I should say, imagination, I just tried numerous times to imagine what it felt like to be kissed by you...”

“Well, it feels like this...” and John kisses Sherlock passionately eliciting a moan from both of them, they kiss until they are out of breath. And after a few seconds, John asks “So? What is your prognosis there?”

“Need more data!” answers Sherlock kissing John everywhere.

“Of course!” says John laughing.


End file.
